Essay of Place Feedback
As/after you listen to each of your classmates read his or her essay of place, please share your positive feedback by posting a comment on this blog. Be sure to include the name of the person whose essay of place you're addressing, as well as the SPECIFIC comment you'd like to offer them. This is not a space for editing or critique; this a space to reveal what you found powerful, original, or otherwise interesting about each piece.
posted by Kristin L | 10:17 AM
23 Comments:
Aubry- I like in the beginning where you use “sacred place” to describe the corner.
Brian C- I like how visual your descriptions are. Its really easy to picture everything.
Aaron- I like the description of the “ocean trench” snow banks and your burrowing through the snow.
Ryan S- I like all the memories you put into the story.
Sarah- The descriptions and word choice are excellent.
Tori- I like your comparison to Cinderella.
Lindsay- The explanation of the Disney store is vivid and easy to visualize.
Katie- I like how you explain your ‘trip’ up to the runway.
Aubrey- Your description of the graphite on your desk was easy to imagine.
Amy- There is a lot of emotion in this story. I like the ending, too.
Andie- The sound of the music is very well described
Kristin- Good imagery when you describe your excitement when your mom said you could go swing!
Logan- The section about the music was very well written.
Ryan P- I like how you compared your house to Colorado,
Matt- I liked the part about the wind picking up in the field.
Hannah- “The cool hands of the ocean” is a great metaphor.
Thomas- I like the kaleidoscope reference.
Corey- The whole description about the sky was awesome.
Ana- I like how you incorporated a quote. The comparison to a marathon was awesome.
Christine D- Your essay reminds me of a children’s book because you talk about the journey to the fort.
Christine T- You did a good job on using the sense of touch in your story.
Allyx- I liked the comparison of your room to a suitcase!
Alexa- Your description of the wispy juniper bush was great.
Olivia- The vocabulary you use in the beginning is awesome.
Pieter- The description of the house was powerful.
Michelle- Your use of the sense of sight was great
Ryan B- I like how you used "lemony" to describe the smell in the room
Nicci- You did a great job at describing the trees and berries!
Essay of Place Sharing
Aubry-You did a really good job describing the scene. I really liked the part about the popsicle and the green turtle sand box!!
Brian C.-I loved the part about the park. It was described really well and showed good emotion.
Aaron-I really liked the part about the hot chocolate.
Ali- I loved the description of the pictures and the connections back to your childhood.
Ryan S.-The part about the black board and the chalk dust had good imagery.
Sarah- The colors of the cabin were very vivid and I could picture them in my head.
Tori-The metaphor between the chair and the hot tub was good.
Lindsay-I loved the Disney Store reflection.
Katie-The Indian war drum was a good connection to make to your heart. I can relate to this!
Aubrey-The books teetering was a good description and I could see them swaying back and forth.
Amy- The description of the injured man was descriptive and had good emotion in it.
Andie- I could relate to “The excited mute of the crowd” line because I can remember being quiet because I was so excited about something.
Allison- I can relate to the line about your mom changing the pictures because my mom does the same thing.
Kristin- The swing set line was good. It gave good emotion and I also liked it because I love swings!
Logan- The sentence about the cluttered sound of the instruments was good and had good imagery.
Ryan P- The sentence about being able to smell the seeker coming had good imagery.
Matt- I liked the line about the trees becoming monsters swaying from side-to-side.
Hannah- ME!
Thomas- The sentence about the baby bird trying to make this first flight was good and had good imagery.
Corey- The image of the lake was good.
Brian K- The sentence about the smell of the chlorine filling your nostrils was good and I could relate to it.
Ana- The description of the smell you are greeted by when you walk in is very good and descriptive.
Christine D- The description of the snake attack was good and showed a lot of emotion.
Christine T- The sentence about the dogs was very descriptive.
Allyx- The description of the paint was good and had good emotion.
Alexa- The descriptions of the park were really good and I could imagine it.
Olivia- I liked the part about you being able to taste your fear. I also liked the sentence about how you were going to beat all the boys in your grade; it showed good emotion.
Pieter- The part about the different families living there was very good and I could imagine it.
Michelle- The description of the room was good and I could start to imagine it. Also, the smell of the food cooking was good.
Ryan B- The description of the colors was good.
Nicci- The sentence about the raspberries getting squashed was good and I can relate to it.
Aubry P: The description of touch was impressive. The voice in the story really showed through.
Brian C: All the senses seemed to be incorporated equally into the essay. I also liked the word choice throughout the essay.
Aaron W: I liked to use of metaphors in this essay, especially the one about the marshmallow.
Ali H: The metaphor of the child was a good choice in this essay.
Ryan S: The essay really showed how homey and friendly the fort was unlike some essays who just tell it, this one showed it.
Sarah S: The sense of sight really creates a good image in this essay.
Tori S: This essay had a very interesting perspective in the way it gave the room a voice.
Lindsey S: I felt that all the senses were well incorporated into this essay.
Katie R: All five senses were amazing well used in creating a vivid image of the place in this essay.
Aubrey A: A vivid imagination is present in this essay.
Amy O: I really could imagine the metaphors present in this essay. All the words seem to be carefully chosen as well.
Andie R: The sense of touch is exceptionally incorporated into this essay.
Alison N: She did a really good job of describing the sense of smell.
Kristin C: Your metaphors were well done along with your similies.
Logan J: I really liked the way you described the music in your essay.
Ryan P: Your description of your basement was exemplary.
Matt L: I really liked the description of and the metaphors surrounding the wind.
Hannah S: The metaphors in your paragraph were amazing.
Thomas N: You made the room feel very homey and enjoyable.
Corey C: These were some of the best metaphors of nature I have ever heard.
Ana M: I like the quote, “When you like your work, you never work a day in your life.”
Christine D: You seemed to incorporate all your sense equally.
Christine T: The nails on chalkboard simile really showed a vivid picture of what was actually happening.
Alyxx: You created a very vivid image of what your room looks like.
Alexa A: You used metaphors really well in your essay.
Olivia C: Your story was very well written and metaphors were incorporated well.
Pieter O: I can really smell “the distinct sent of burnt noodles”.
Michelle S: I never really thought of the connection I have with my family room. Now that I do, I see how big of a part it has played in my life.
Ryan B: Even though you didn’t share much, it was very well written.
Nicci C: You used metaphors expertly in your story.
Creative Writing Responses
Aubry:
I like the emotion you showed and it really seemed like you loved this place.
Brian C.:
It seems like the love for this park is really amazing and you must have a great time every time you got there.
Aaron:
I actually feel like I am here. Really good job with this piece.
Ali:
This passage makes me think hard about the room and I can really see the place.
Sarah:
This is a really great description. The place seems right here, and I could easily just reach out and feel the cold air.
Tori:
Your room seems very warm and comfortable.
Lindsay:
You make the store seem so great and fun.
Katie:
I can actually imagine myself walking down the runway.
Aubrie:
This was a really descriptive piece and it was very interesting.
Amy O.
This is definitely a difficult place from how you described it, and I would have trouble surviving in this Mexican desert town.
Andie:
I really like how you describe the heat, noise and how many people that are there.
Ali:
The way your house is decorated reminds me of my house.
Logan:
This story is really descriptive.
Krisitin:
Every single kid knows how exciting it can be to go and play at a park.
Ryan P.:
The descriptions of everything in the basement were tremendous.
Matt L.:
This field seems really peaceful and fun to hang out at.
Hannah S.:
I have always felt the same exact way when I am at the beach.
Thomas:
This room seems really cool and fun to spend time in.
Corey:
I wish I was at a place that makes you forget all your troubles.
Brian K.:
I like the passion you have about the pool.
Ana:
This pizza is really good and it seems like you really love this place.
Christine D.:
This fort seems very secluded and refreshing to be at.
Christine T.:
I can just imagine the room and how it looks.
Allyx:
I can imagine how tedious and difficult this project was.
Alexa:
It seems like every kid needs that one little secret place where they can just spend those endless summers.
Olivia:
I can really relate to such a place because there is a baseball field I feel the same way about.
Pieter:
A can imagine the smell and taste of the food that was made:
Michelle:
The memories and description of this story are really good.
Ryan B.:
This room seems like a place where a family would just hand out.
Nicci:
The outdoors seem so fun and uncontrollable by the way you describe them.
• Aubry P: I like the voice and it creates a good image with the use of specific examples.
• Brian C.: I like the metaphor used for the music. The story shows a good image.
• Aaron: I like the comparison on thorns to barbwire. The use of taste is very good and it creates a good sense of what is going on.
• Ali: The story creates a good picture.
• Ryan S.: I like the stories that are told in your story.
• Sarah: Your sense of sight creates a very good image that I can easily picture.
• Tori: The story has a good perspective that I could easily understand.
• Lindsay: I liked the use of senses.
• Katie: I like the metaphor that uses the drum.
• Aubry A.: Creates a good image.
• Amy: I like the use of image. The description of the man is easy to picture.
• Andie: The sense of smell is described well.
• Alison N.: The sense of taste and smell are described very well.
• Kristin: I like the metaphor that is used.
• Logan: The description of music was described well.
• Ryan P: I can easily picture what your basement looks like.
• Matt L: I like the description of the park.
• Hannah S.: The description of the beach is very good.
• Corey C.: The part about the moon is very good and I can easily picture it.
• Brian K: The sense of touch is used well. Very deep in more ways than one.
• Ana. M.: I like the description of smell and taste
• Christine D.: I like the story
• Christine T.: the description of the door is good.
• Alyxx.: I like the description of the smell of paint.
• Alexa A.: I like the description of the tree
• Olivia C.: The story is very descriptive and I like the story.
• Pieter O.: I like how you describe the taste of the noodles.
• Michelle S.: The description of the room is easy to picture and I like the story with it.
• Ryan B.: I like the description of the room. Very deep.
• Nicci C.: I can easily picture the path.
Ana: I guess I particularly enjoyed your essay because I love Big Bill's! You touched on all senses and did a great job with sense and smell.
Christine D: Nice job, strong essay.
Christine T.: You provided strong iamages for the reader, nice job!
Allyx: Having read your whole story before as well, I could just picture every aspect of your room. All the senses were described in depth-great job.
Alexa: I love your style of writing.
Pieter: LArge improvement from your rough draft. Great job!!!
Michelle: I enjoyed your essay introduction. The rug metaphor was strong.
Ryan: Great metaphors.
Nicci: Lived up to Christine's description! Nice job...
Brian C- I liked the imagery of the bike wheel spinning.
Aaron-good marshmallow-8 yr old boy comparison
Ali-I liked the clown costume part
Ryan S- I liked how you said the table "stood the test of time"
Sarah S- I enjoy your use of vocabulary and the flow of your writing. Your writing has an air of majesty and magic to it that is very alluring.
Tori-I liked how you said that you can hear bits of conversation that you can end yourself.
Lindsay-I liked how you described the champagne glass you can't have.
Katie-I liked how you related your heart to an Indian Wardrum. That brought intensity to the nervousness.
Aubrey- I liked how you said the books replaced the stuffed animals, showing how you have grown up.
Amy O-your way of writing hits the heart and tugs at it. It brings out a lot of emotion and forces you to face reality.
Andie- I could see perfectly the concerts I have gone to. You did a great job describing the place with all your senses.
Allison- Good description of the hot chocolate.
Kristen-I like how you said you swang higher and higher, you could jump to the moon. I can relate to that.
Logan-I could feel how much the car means to you.
Ryan P-I liked how you said you could taste the must.
Matt-I liked how you described the wind causing the tree to be monsters.
Hannah- Good description of the ocean and water.
Thomas-I liked how you used your closet for an imaginary elevator.
Corey-I liked how you said the breeze laughed. That was a cool idea of the earth and sky meeting and dancing.
Ana M-I could definently relate to you being new and feeling like you were holding people back.
Christine-That sounds like a lot of fun!
Christine- good work with senses
Allyx-I liked the metaphore of your room being an overstuffed suitcase.
Alexa-I could picture the park perfectly.
Olivia-I liked how you said the sweat danced between your eyebrows.
Pieter-I like how you described the meal not 5-star but welcoming.
Michelle-good sound description of your brother practising for his lesson.
Ryan B-I liked how you said the scents fought with each other.
Nicci-good use of sound
Aubry- I really like how you spoke to the reader, it's a very original way to write.
Brian C.- I love your word choice, it made your essay very original.
Aaron- Your creative use of metaphors were the best aspect of your essay.
Ali- I like the third person point of view in your essay, it was a welcome change from how the other essays were written.
Ryan S.- I like the description in your essay, you created a good picture for readers.
Sarah S.- I almost felt that I was in Vancouver when you read your essay, very interesting.
Tori- Your writing really made me picture your room. Listening to conversations through your vent was an interesting addition to your story.
Lindsay- I really loved the start of your essay, it captured me from the start.
Katie- Your essay built tension well, and it made your essay very fun to listen to.
Amy- The title and opening sentence grabbed my attention, both were very original. Your writing is inspiring.
Andie- I like your subtle use of metaphors, they never seem forced or over done.
Allison- I liked that you included taste in your essay, it made the story more interesting and original.
Kristin- Your writing was very interesting because it was from the perspective of a child.
Logan- Music is impoortant in my family too, so it was interesting to listen to your writing.
Ryan P.- Your basement really sounds like a fun place to hang out, interesting essay.
Matt- While listening to your essay, I almost felt as if I was in your field, great description.
Hannah- I have always loved the beasch, and your essay is an excellent description, your words made the story come alive.
Thomas- Your creative use of metaphors was, in my opinion, the best aspect of your essay.
Corey- I liked your use of personification in your essay, it definently added a lot of interest to your essay.
Brian K.- I think the location of your essay of place was really interesting.
Ana- Your essay flowed nicely, listening was like hearing a story, great job.
Christine D.- Your essay took me back to times when I played in my own fort, deep in the forest. I loved listening.
Christine T.-I like that you chose such a small space, it was more original and very interesting.
Allyx- Your redecorating sounded like an ordeal, but it was a very entertaining story to listen to.
Alexa- I think that you had excellent word choice and description in your essay.
Olivia- Your story was inspiring, definently not boring or dull.
Pieter- The house you described seemed almost like a castle, your essay was very interesting to listen to.
Michelle- I really got a picture of your family room through the description, and I enjoyed your memories.
Ryan B.- Your essay was interesting, good word choice and description.
Nicci- I liked listening to your piece because the setting was so original.
Aubry
I like all the emotion that you shows because I feel like I am
there, going to the fence with her.
Brian C.
I can visualize the whole park and can see all the expansive grounds.
Aaron
You have very nice word choice which really embellishes the story.
Ali
I can definitely relate to all the things you would find in a child’s room.
Ryan S.
Good description of the fort, especially the part of the fire pole.
Sarah
The description of the air and the smell of the salt etc. is great.
Lindsay
You show so much emotion in this essay makes me feel like I have been in your room a million times.
Katie
I can definitely relate to the feeling of being nervous and you express it really well.
Aubrey
I can relate to having a room a bit messy but fun.
Amy
I like you description of the heat and the small room. It feels so desperate and sad, like they have just given up.
Andie
Good description of when you can’t make up your mind, I can totally relate to that.
Allison
“Intense heat of the drink…” That is a great image.
Kristin
‘I nearly exploded with excitement” I can definitely relate to that.
Logan
I like the emotion that you show when you talk about the song that you love.
Ryan P.
“Taking your anger out by hitting balls against the wall…” Great image.
Matt
“Being alone in a public place” is a great image.
Hannah
“Cool hands of the ocean” I like it.
Thomas
I like the kaleidoscope image and how the light bounces around the room.
Corey
You have great metaphors, especially relating to nature, in your story.
Brian K.
I like the use of your senses especially the smell of the chlorine.
Ana
I like your description of the pizza baking. It smells so good.
Christine D.
Nice job on the ideas of lugging a backpack around.
Christine T.
“My ears got a great hate…” great image
Allyx
“To salvage them from a painting assault” is a really powerful image.
Alexa
I like your personification of the juniper bush.
Olivia
I like when you talk about the time you beat all the boys which is a great feeling.
Pieter
I definitely can relate to being in the car with all you family and siblings.
Michelle
I like you description of the rocking chair and the memories you have there.
Ryan B.
I like that you start off your essay with a sense other that sight.
Nicci
I like your use of smell; the smell of campfire and s’mores.
Aubry-I loved the way you wrote about your relationship with your friend. It brings back all the great times I've had with my friends.
Brian C.-Your memories of the basketball court remind me of the four-square games I played in middle school. Great descriptions of sound and sight.
Aaron-I like your metaphor of the pit of water waiting to "envelop any runaway slaves". Very nice image.
Ali-The memories through the pictures, and your description of the "kid inside you" was very powerful.
Ryan S.-I can smell those new toys, and the paint. Your fort sounds like so much fun! Great details.
Sarah-I love your description of the effect of the sea on your cabin. I know Michigan isn't close to the sea, but your piece reminds me of the autumns there.
Tori-Your description of how you feel sitting on the chair in your room reminds me of how I feel when I hug my mom. Awesome depiction of emotion.
Lindsay-The glass figurines you spoke of made a powerful image. I could see them catch the light exactly inside my head.
Katie-I can relate to the way your throat closes up--I feel it right before I swim a race. Great use of metaphors to describe emotions.
Aubrey A.-I envy your desk from your descriptions; it seems like a true writer's desk. Great job describing the candles' scents.
Amy-The poverty of the small, arid place you wrote about is apparent and vivid in your writing, and you have such powerful images. Awesome job.
Andie-Your use of the sense of smell is excellent. Gosh, I can smell the exact kind of pizza you described!
Logan-The sense of sound, when you described the musical instruments especially, was great.
Kristin-I love your portrayal of emotions--the excitement, the hoping--what a great portrait of a child!
Allison-Mmm, that hot chocolate! Great job using the sense of smell.
Ryan P.-Great job incorporating your sense of touch! Visual images were great too.
Matt-I liked the way you described the trees--something that seems harmless you make alive and menacing.
Hannah S.-The images you conjured makes me long for the beach--the sense of relaxation beckons to me.
Thomas-The image of the lights in the room reflected through a kaleidoscope was very vivid. You had some great visual images.
Corey-Awesome personification! The water, the ground, and the sky seem so much more alive through your language.
Brian K-Your description of the pool reminds my of my own daily interaction with the pool--but yours sounds like more fun. Good attention to detail.
Ana-I like your comparison of rolling silverware to being in a triathalon; it shows that even something as simple as putting silverware in napkins takes practice to get good at. Good portrayal of emotions.
Christine D.-Great use of senses. I could feel the sun burning up my back while you were reading.
Christine T.-I love the detail you went into, describing how the glass door looked, down to the scratch marks.
Allyx-It was awesome how you gave such vivid sensations relating to the primer, especially the sight of you emerging from a "snowstorm". Congratulations on a great remodeling job!
Alexa-It was unearthly how you described the park as if it were another world. Great individual perspective.
Olivia-I was amazed at your ability to weave your space, the basketball court, with an abstract idea like confidence. Unbelievable vocabulary and word choice.
Pieter-Houses in Ireland sound very different from the ones here. Your descriptions of the house are good, especially when you said one could "get lost in their own home". Good image at the beginning, with the burnt noodles.
Ryan B-Great images, especially when describing the color and scents of the room. Your dogs sound extremely nice.
Nicci-Great job showing your place through a tough perspective--that of a child. Awesome attention to detail.
Aubry P- I thought your essay was very visual and describing the relationship with your friend brought back memories for all of us.
Brian C- I thought your word choice was very eclectic and I could obviously tell why this was your favorite.
Aaron W- I really liked your metaphor, "tidal wave of rainbow color." very powerful image
Ali H- I thought it was interesting how you tied your childhood self into the essay.
Ryan S- Great metaphors and word choice. I thought you described the fort with a lot of detail.
Sarah S- Your essay was very powerful becuase it contained so much of the five senses. I could feel like I was there.
Tori S- I thought your comparison to Cinderella was very creative.
Lindsay- I thought you combined the five senses well and you had a great word choice.
Katie- I thought you had a great metaphors and a good combination of the five senses.
Aubrey A- very descriptive with great metaphors
Amy O- Great word choice, loved the details and the emotions in your essay
Andie R- I think everyone can relate to going to a concert and I liked how you incorporated the pros and cons, great word choice.
Allison- I think you descriptions of winter and the holidays brought back memories for people and I thought your essay was very detailed.
Kristin- Everyone can relate to going to the park and I liked how you described why you love the park becuase it made the essay much more sentimental.
Logan- great metaphors and a topic we can all relate to.
Ryan P- Great job putting yourself into the essay.
Matt- great use of words and metaphors
Hannah H- I love the beach and I loved your description of it.
Thomas- creative metaphors and words
Corey- I liked your metaphor "bending the stars...."
Brian K- Great job incorporating detailed visuals
Ana M- I love Big Bills, flowed well, creative words and metaphors
Christine D- creative word choice
Christine T- creative words, great use of sight
Alexa- your essay flowed really well and you had great detail and creative metaphors.
Olivia C- I still love the word quizzical and overall I thought your essay incorporated the five senses well and flowed well.
Pieter O- I thought you described the setting with a lot of detail.
Ryan B- great word choice, very detailed
Michelle- Your images were so detailed and had a lot of strong emotion. I loved your conclusion.
Nicci- Your whole essay was very visual and detailed
Aubry
I love the memories you incorporated in this piece - they added to the story and helped convey a strong sense of voice. The way you described the yard is simple, but it’s honest and brilliant because everyone can relate to the things you talked about.
Brian C.
Your essay made me feel like I was there – you did an awesome job of incorporating the various senses you needed to.
Aaron
I love your vocabulary – it’s eloquent, but not forced or awkward at all, which, in my opinion, is a successful incorporation of ‘advanced’ language. The memories you include are whimsical and fun – I can completely relate to almost anything involving snow and cold (go Canada, EH!!).
Ali
I liked the memories you incorporated in your essay.
Ryan S.
Your attention to detail is awesome – I liked the theme you used in explaining the appeal your fort had to you as a child, but pulling back now and then to explain it from the perspective of an adult, or at least a teenager – it adds to your essay.
Tori
I loved your description of the chair in your room – how it’s more than just a chair, but all the secrets and wonders it has for you.
Lindsey
I love the reference to the champagne glass – it offers a stunning visual change from the bright, simple colors of a Disney store to an item that’s delicate and fragile and very adult.
Katie
I liked the beginning of your essay, the reference to the ways in which the various tools of beauty create the smell of burning hair. I loved the sense of sound you used – the clicking of high heels and the beating of your heart as you walked down the runway.
Aubrey A.
Your use of vocabulary is amazing! I like the metaphor you use comparing your toys fighting for your attention to ducks fighting for scraps of bread.
Amy
The first sentence of your essay is outstanding.
I like the emotion you include in your essay – the desolation and hopelessness of the place you described – especially the bit about the man lying on the cot in agony.
Andie
Your essay really takes your readers to the theatre you describe – your use of all the senses is brilliant in that it isn’t awkward or forced. The essay flows well – I liked how you incorporated the senses of smell and touch, almost more than you used the sense of sight. It was creative and unique, awesome job!
Alison
I liked the transition in your essay between the descriptions of Halloween and winter, as well as your use of the sense of smell.
Kristin
I liked the flow of the piece you read – it works well with the story you’re telling.
Logan
I love your description of the music – how it was primal and all-consuming. At some point or another, everyone has experienced this sensation – people can relate to it, and that makes your essay better.
Ryan P.
As a Canadian, anything that even minutely relates to hockey is instantly relatable for me – and I can definitely relate to playing it in a basement.
Your description of the pitch black game of hide and seek was also a detail that I could easily relate to – I’ve played it in a black, dark cellar as well, only my version was with glow sticks ^.^
Matt
Your word choice is awesome – what’s great about it is that it isn’t forced at all – it flows so well that it seems almost like someone just talking about it – mind you, someone with an outstanding vocabulary.
Hannah
I love the sentence you have with the footprints, and the meaning they have for you. The time motif you used was also excellent – it followed through the passage you read well.
Thomas
I liked your use of light and dark, and how the room changes and you open and close the blinds, as well as your use of the sense of touch.
Corey
I liked the extended personification you used when you described the sun and moon dancing – it was a strong passage.
Brian K.
I like he detail you used in the passage you read, and the quirky description of your coach and his choice of beverages throughout the day.
Ana
The first three sentences or so of your essay are outstanding – a strong, captivating start to a charming piece of creative writing.
Christine D.
I liked the quaint memories you incorporated into your essay – they made it captivating and relatable.
Christine T.
I like your use of light and dark elements in your essay, as well as the comparison you made between a cheese grater and your dog scratching at the door.
Allyx
I love the vocabulary you used in your essay – in addition to the subject matter; though not everyone has ever had to paint a room themselves, everyone can relate to having to start a project from scratch, but knowing the end will be well-worth the means.
Alexa
I love your vocabulary – it’s one of the most prominent features of your essay. I love the passage you wrote about the juniper that had once aspired to be a tree – that was brilliant.
Olivia
I love the chronicles of independence shown in your essay – it wasn’t at all what I expected, and that’s what made it outstanding.
Pieter
I thought the description of the burnt noodles was quaint and interesting.
Michelle
I liked the distinct memories you included in your essay – things like the tape on the corners of tables where your mother had stuck rubber patches so you wouldn’t hurt yourself when you were little.
Ryan B
I love your word choice and incorporation of the sense of smell in the description of the room.
Nicci
I love the memory you chose to use for this piece – at one point or another, everyone has walked through a forest that smells like camp fires and rotting leaves.
Aubry P. – I really liked your essay because you really used all your senses well in “showing” me this place; I actually felt like I was there.
Brian C. – I liked how much detail you went into with your essay, it made it easy for me to visualize it.
Aaron – I liked your exaggeration and use of humor in your essay, it made the essay more entertaining to listen to.
Ali – I love the whole kid idea of your essay, it was really fun to listen to.
Ryan S. – I like how comforting you made the fort feel, yet there was the danger in it too, like climbing up the ladder.
Sarah S. – I liked the word choice you used, it all seemed so proper.
Tori – I liked your description of the comfy chair, it made me want to be there and sit in it.
Lindsay – I LOVE the Disney! Disney is my favorite, so I loved your essay!
Aubrey – I really liked the descriptions, I could really visualize what you were talking about.
Amy – I love the way you related these peoples’ situations to yourself and your own life. Your essay was definitely unique from everyone else’s and I really liked it.
Andi – Your use of your sense of smell was really good in your essay.
Alison – I liked the part about how the hot chocolate burned your mouths.
Kristin – I loved the enthusiasm in your essay, just like how a little kid would really act.
Logan – I loved your descriptions; it made me feel like I could really hear the volume of the music.
Ryan P. – I liked the descriptions of your basement; it made it sound very intense. But why are you so angry when you go down there?
Matt – I loved how you took the wind and the trees, both seeming harmless, and made the tree become a scary monster.
Hannah S. – I love the ocean and your essay made me feel like I was there, standing in the water.
Thomas – I liked the comforting feeling of the room.
Corey – I liked the part about the ground and the sky meeting and dancing; it made it sound like an Indian story, or someone who is very in tune with the earth and nature.
Brian K. – I liked the sound and smell of the pool, it made me feel like I was standing there.
Ana – I like the fact that you wrote about where you work; it made me laugh that you were so happy to work at Big Bill’s.
Christine D. – I really liked your use of senses and that childish sense of adventure.
Christine T. – I liked your relation to the dogs’ claws sounding like nails on a chalkboard, I know exactly what you mean.
Allyx – I liked how you said your room should represent you and you had to change it because it wasn’t enough like you.
Alexia – I like the part about you and your brother “dominating” the bush in the park.
Olivia – I like how you don’t care about hanging out with the other girls, and you just wanted to play basketball with the guys.
Pieter – You did a really good job of describing how much the smell hit you as you walked in.
Michelle – I liked your memories of the rocking chair and your mom sitting there with you.
Ryan B. – I liked your word “lemony”, because that is a very distinct smell, so I really got a sense of what the room was like.
Nicci – I like how you started to pick berries, but then you couldn’t hold that concentration, so they all got squished in your hand.
Aubry-The Popsicle part was a great way to bring different senses in, I really liked this part!
Brian C.- I enjoyed the part about the cold frigid air. I could see this image very clearly, good job!
Aaron- The food part was really good; great descriptions.
Ali- I loved your descriptions of your childhood!
Ryan S.- The rope that part was very descriptive. It made me think that your fort was not
complete with out it.
Sarah S.-The descriptions of the colors in the place were good. The way you described
them gave them more than just the sense of sight.
Tori- I love the description of the chair. I could see it and imagine how it feels.
Lindsay-The memory of entering the Disney store was great!
Katie R.- I like the description of what you see when your on the runway, especially the
comparison to standing up too fast.
Aubrey A.- I like how you showed how the objects on the shelves have changed.
Amy O.-I think the description of the man who was injured.
Andie- I liked the part about your heart beating with the music.
Allison- I really like the description of drinking hot coco.
Kristin- Jumping to the moon was a good comparison to how you felt as a little kid.
Logan- I enjoyed the description of the music and how it sounded
Ryan P. – The description of what a simple exercise bike means to you is really good.
Matt – I like the description of how the dirt and the grass felt, good job.
Hannah- I like the image of the footsteps in the sand.
Thomas- I like the part about the kaleidoscope because it’s a good visual and its memory
at the same time.
Corey- I like the part about the sky stroking the lake, good descriptions.
Brian K.- I like the descriptions of the color of the bleachers and the bag.
Ana- I like the part about the pizza boxes.
Christine T- Good description of the dog wanting to come inside.
Allyx- The smell of the paint had very good descriptions.
Alexa- I like the part about the tree/ bush. Good word choice at that part.
Olivia- I really like all your descriptions and how you put the part about independence in, it makes it more than just a memory.
Pieter- I enjoyed your opening part, of at least the section you read in class. It really got me interested in the story.
Michelle- I like the part about your brother playing the piano and how you described it.
Ryan B.- I liked the descriptions of the pots.
Nicci- I really enjoyed the part about having raspberries in your hand and the dog licking it.
Aubry P. - I really liked the image of a turtle-shaped sandbox with a lopsided lid because I can definately remember those.
Brian C. - Your image of bike tires spinning in the wind after the bike has been carelessly thrown aside was really good, because I can picture kids doing that and it's something I would have overlooked.
Aaron - I really liked the way you described the cars passing on County Line as titans. Good imagery.
Ali - I liked the part where you incorporated your memories of the sound of the whistle and soccer players.
Ryan S. - I liked how you compared the smell to that of a new car, which is a very unique and memorable smell.
Sarah S. - Your description of the faded and muted colors and the sharper air was really amazing.
Tori - I liked how you referred to your favorite place (your chair maybe?) as the spotlight of the room.
Lindsay - Your image of music wrapping around you like a ski jacket was really imaginative.
Katie - I liked the reference of your heart beating like a war drum.
Aubrey A. - My favorite part of your essay is still probably the part about the cool graphite streaked across your desk.
Amy - A particularly memorable image was the smell that made your nostrils crawl, good word choice.
Allison - I liked the image where something smoldered your tastebuds. Good imagery.
Kristin - I liked the part where you call the green hill graceful. That made a lot of sense to me.
Logan - I enjoyed the part where you shared your own prelude to the song with your mom.
Ryan P. - I could relate to the part where you had to rely on your other senses to guide you when the basement is pitch black.
Matt L. - I liked your image of trees becoming monstrous. It was easy to picture.
Hannah - I liked your image of the ocean's hands grabbing your feet.
Thomas - I liked when you referred to the taste of dryness in the room.
Corey - I thought that when you said that the earth and sky meet and dance was a really good image and a good way to put it.
Brian K. - I liked when you talked about the gurgling of the ever-present filter, because I know what you're talking about but wouldn't have noticed it until you pointed it out.
Ana - I really liked your metaphor of yourself as an anvil, holding everyone else back.
Christine D. - I liked when you referred to your reign at the fort, instead of just saying that you went there.
Christine T. - I liked when you said that your dogs' nails were acting like a cheesegrater on the sliding glass door.
Allyx - I really enjoyed the part where you referred to your many schemes and said that you talk big game, I know exactly what you mean.
Alexa - I really liked when you talked about the juniper bush that aspired to be a tree and got stuck in between.
Olivia - I enjoyed the image of a thick layer of fog resting on your shoulders.
Pieter - I liked your description of the smell of burnt noodles leading up to your belief of your nostrils' future doom and the taste of carbon.
Michelle - I liked the part about your brother tweaking out a tune on the piano.
Ryan B. - I liked the line about the fancy designs complimenting the absolute dominance of the wood (sorry if that's not exactly the words).
Nicci - I liked your image of prickly leaves being like rotting cactuses.
Aubrey-I loved the way you described being a little kid and I totally could relate to it.
Brian C- It hought you did a good job recalling memories and I like the "unconquerable chill"
Aaron W- I thought you did an great job of describing the adrenailine of sledding
Alli H- I can totally relate to the sadness of growing up.
Ryan S- I thought you did an excellent job of balancing memories with descriptions and transitioning between the two.
Sarah S- I loved you piece and I thought you did an amazing job of tying all your emotions, memories, and descriptions together.
Tori S- I really liekd the part where you said "the room will not judge me" I can relate to that I thought it was well worded.
Lindsey- I absolutely loved the image of "the music wraps around me like a ski jacket"
Katie R- I liked the image of "steady beating of my heart like an indian war drum" I thought it was well worded and said so much in so few words.
Aubrey A- I can relate so much and liked the way you worded your metaphors.
Amy O- I loved your piece because it was powerful and you did a wonderful job of describing emotions.
Andie R- Your descriptions were very detailed and you had excellent metaphors.
Allison N- I liked the way you described the evolution of the room from one seanson to the next you did a good job of transtioning.
Logan J- I liked your images of "raw with slurred speech" and "chill of emotion"
Ryan P- I thought you did an excellent job of describing and using good strong metaphors.
Matt L- I can relate to the part where you talked about the "comfort of the unchanged"
Hannah S- I love the ocean and your piece made me feel like I was almost there
Thomas N- You had great metaphors and incorporated them really smoothly into your writing.
Corey C- I loved the image of the "dance of life" I thought that your piece was really powerful.
Brian K- You did a good job of appealing to the senses with your descriptions.
Anna M- I loved the sophistication that your brought in your writing and I love Big Bill's!!
Christene D- You had excellent detailed descriptions.
Christene T- You had really great metaphors and comparisons.
Allyx N- Amazing job of involving emotion with metaphors and a good use of all of the senses.
Alexa A- I liked your word choice and felt it brought a whole new meanign to your writing
Olivia C-I love the subtle humor that you put in your writing.
Pieter O- Good descriptions of the house and all the emotions that go aling with it.
Michelle S- I love the personality you give household furniture and how well and smoothy you incorporate memories.
Ryan B- You had really good imagery and metaphors
Nicci- I loved the vivid picture you drew of your place.
Aubry- Good job of showing not telling.
Brian- Appealing descriptions. Made me want to be there
Aaron- I liked the journey up the hill.
Ali- Good flashbacks and descriptions of place.
Ryan- Fort seems cool
Sarah- Awesome metaphors. Definitely shows not tells.
Lindsay- Good metaphors
Katie- I like how personal and intimate you made it.
Aubrey- Good vocab
Amy- Descriptions gave me a vivid picture of your place.
Andie- YOu described smell and feel very well.
Allison- YOu made your place seem very comfortable and homey.
Kristin- Great metaphors
Logan- You did an impressive job of showing emotion and feelings.
Ryan- Nice opening sentence
Hannah- Way to use all your senses.
Thomas- Had good voice.
Cory- Had good sentence fluency and vocabulary.
Brian- Place sounded appealing.
Ana- Great descriptions of the food, smells, and sounds
Christine D- Way to incorporate metahphors into everyday situations.
Christine T- I like the imagery you gave the audience.
Alex- Great vocab and metaphors
Alexa- Place seemed very comforting and I can relate to it
Olivia- Nice sentence structure and variety.
Pieter- Fabulous job of describing food.
Michelle- Intriguing real life approach.
Ryan- Astounding descriptions and vocab.
Nicci- Valiant descriptions of place
Aubrey P.- I really enjoyed the style of your writing! The idea of drafting it as a type of map was really creative. I loved your popsicle description.
Brian C.-I liked how you focused specifically on the different parts of the park. Your style of incorporating specific memories was wonderful.
Aaron W.- You were so descriptive and therefore it was easy to picture every aspect of your memory(ies).
Ali H.- I really liked your sense descriptions, they were in depth and easy to relate to.
Ryan S.- Because of how well you structured your essay it was easy to relate to.
Sarah S. Great essay- WOW! The voice you incorporated into your writing was incredible!
Tori-Great composition.
Lindsay-VERY descriptive--great job.
Kaitie- Wow, wonderful descriptions--I could literally picture it in my mind as you recited your experiences on the runway. Impressive piece
Aubrey A.-Strong and powerful descriptions.
Amy O.-Extremely powerful--an AMAZING piece of creative writing.
Andi- Your writing was so descriptive and I loved your description of the pizza and the cold coke upon your forehead. I could picture exactly what you saw, heard, smelled, tasted, etc.
Allison- Loved your chameleon simile. A great introduction to your essay (it was your introduction you shared, correct?).
Kristin- GREAT JOB (need I repeat myself>). I could relate so intimately to your descriptions.
Logan-You used strong voice and therefore you created a wonderful piece of writing.
Ryan P.- Good sense descriptions.
Matt L.- Your essay evoked strong images.
Hannah- In-depth descriptions, I really enjoyed your writing.
Thomas N.- I personally enjoyed the manner in which you read your story. It made the essay stronger!
Corey C.- I told you this earlier but your essay was by far my favorite. I loved the descriptions. I suppose I loved it so dearly because I was there with you the whole time! It was a great place to write about and you described it perfectly. Head and shoulders above your first essay.
Brian K.- You touched on all 5 senses well- good descriptions.
Amy
“Unmerciful heat” good image
Andie
Throwing out music. I like that description, gives personality
Aubry
I like the feeling of sand “beads” between your toes
Brian C.
I like the potato cannon. That sounds like fun.
Aaron
“bushes striped if their leaves but not their thorns.” Good image.
Ali
I like the perspective you used to tell your story
Ryan S.
I like how you mention that the dangerous aspect of the rope ladder was what makes it fun
Sarah
Air “dark, wet velvet” good image
Tori
“Excited mood such as the feeling you get after drinking lots of coffee.” Great image
Allison
I like how you describe the warmth of the fire and then the hot chocolate on your tongue
Katie
I like the image of black, blurred people. That happens to me too when I’m on stage
Kristin
I like the description of the happiness you felt when your mom said that you could go
Aubrey
“scores of books” great phrase
Logan
I like how you show how the music made you feel, combining feel and sound
Ryan P.
I can totally related to taking your anger out on the stationary bike, that’s what I do too with the bike in my basement
Matt
I like the tree and monster metaphor, I always used to think that the tree outside my room was a person
Hannah
The picture of the waves grapping your feet out from under you is really descriptive.
Thomas
Good use of metaphors to describe the window and the dresser
Corey
I like how you give human characteristics and feelings to nature and the sky, it gives a really clear picture
Brian K.
I like how you describe the sound and the smell of the pool, you described the filter really well.
Ana
I like the description of you first entering the restaurant. Very good.
Christine D.
I like the story of the rattlesnake and your reaction.
Christine T.
I like your description of the glass window with the paw marks
Allyx
I like your use of all the senses.
Alexa
I like your concluding sentence on being scared that you or the park has changed, good ending.
Olivia
I like the Manhattan sidewalk description, which really stood out.
Pieter
I like how you described the size of the house with phrases like “wings” and “dining hall”
Michelle
I Like how you started with the fireplace, making it seem like the middle of the room and family activity
Ryan B.
I like how you would start with one sense (not sight) and lead into another
Nicci
I liked the part about raspberries; I did that too in the raspberry bushes in my backyard.
Aubry- very good images, I could picture the place very vividly. I loved the “red popsicle as an image of red lipstick”
Brian C.- I liked the image of when you “walked into the water, how it chilled your body”
Aaron- I loved the part when you described taking off your snowsuit, “the metamorphosis of marshmallow to little boy”
Ali- I like the voice of piece, set as memories of a past time, through the image pictures
Ryan S.- I liked the image when you were on a rope swing and you fell down “upon the unforgiving ground”
Sarah S.- I like the description of how your beach is different from most beaches, “there is no golden sand, but rocks the shade of graphite”
Tori- I love how you put a quote at the beginning of your essay, very creative and strong
Lindsay- I like how you talked about your whole room, “the golden bookcase stands out”
Katie- I like the image that you had to “pretend that the clothes you wore felt like silk, instead of gravel”
Aubrey- I like how “the books are ready to teeter and fall”
Amy- Great job on describing your senses “your nose curled when you smelt the awful smell of garbage in the distance”
Andie- I like how you describe how “you are crushed in the crowd as there is a sea of people”
Allison- I love the line where “the cocoa smolders you and your sister’s tongues and leaves a lasting impression
Kristin- I loved the imagery of the swing set, how “you felt you could jump off the chair and land on the moon”
Logan- I love how you explained the “composition of music: a chaos of instruments
Ryan P.- I like “the gargantuan holes in the dry wall due to playing hockey”
Matt- I like how “the trees bring a sense of privacy”
Hannah- I like the image of “the cool hands of the ocean latch onto you”
Thomas- I like the image of “the kaleidoscope”
Corey- I like how you talked about how “the sky and the snow join in a dance when everyone is asleep”
Brian K.- I like the image of “your feet thudding on the tile”
Christine D.- I like the distinct image of “lugging backpacks full of snacks that makes your back ache”
Christine T.- I like the image of “the dogs nails acting like a cheese grater”
Allyx- I like how you approach the piece as what you did not like about your room before the make over, very creative
Alexa- great job on imagery, “the car ride seemed to suck the hours out or the day as you awaited to arrive at the park”
Olivia- I like how you connected the basketball court to your independence from your twin
Pieter- I like how you talked about “the carbon taste in the noodles”
Michelle- I like how you describe “the wall that feels like brail, as if revealing a secret message’
Ryan B.- I like how you described the details of the “pots made by your uncle”
Nicci- I like the image of the “raspberry juice in the palm of your hand, liked away by your dog’s tongue”
Aubry P: I liked the emotion you put into your story
Brian C: I liked how you added so many memories into your story
Aaron: I liked the metaphors, they put a vivid picture in my head, you also did a good job with personification
Ali: The ending was moving
Ryan S: The incorporation of memories was good and also good details and description
Sarah: Good descriptions, I can visualize your place well.
tori: Good attention to detail
Lindsay: I could easily sense your attachment to the place
Katie: I could completely understand how you were feeling
Aubrie A: Good personification and organization
Amy: I think that the emotion you put into the story really made it come alive
Andie: Good description of sight and sound
Allison: I could tell exactly what the room was like, good description
Kristin: I liked the connection you made
Logan: good emotion and detail
Ryan P: I could sense your love for your basement
Matt: The part with the dirt was well represented with all of the senses
Hannah: Good description of the ocean
Thomas: I liked the metaphors with the kalidescope and veil
Corey: Good description of memories
Brian K: Good description of the pool area
Ana: good emotion, I really liked the triathalon metaphor
Christine: Good description, you made the story come alive.
Allyx: I could sense your anger at your room very well
Alexa: good sense of sight
Olivia: I liked the way that you brought everything in the story to life
Peter: Good description of smell
Michelle: Good attention to detail, you brought me into the room
Ryan B: Good word choice
Nicci: Good metaphors and attention to detail and using all senses
Amy: Your essay flows well.
Andie: The contrast between the waiting-in-line and the concert was artfully executed.
Allison: I liked the line "smoulders our tastebuds".
Kristin: You made the anticipation real to me.
Logan: Good job translating music to words.
Ryan: The hole in the wall was well-described.
Thomas: You got your point across well.
Cory: Cunning metaphors.
Brian K: Solid, concise piece.
Ana: Your usage of a quote at the beginning set your piece apart.
Christine D :The description of rattlesnake bites was amazing.
Christine T: The "dog's claws to cheese grater" metaphor was perfect.
Allyx: Good word choice, especially relating to the detestability of the room.
Olivia: Good job with the comparison between music, life, and basketball.
Pieter: Artful connections between the different aspects of the house.
Michelle: you created the scenery well enough that I could see it.
Ryan B: Very descriptive.
Nicci: The first sentance set the tone for your piece perfectly.
Aubry P- The emotion infused into this is excellent, the memories are quite vivid making a better visual experience.
Brian C- The word choice and description of the park is spot on, it is very realistic.
Ali H- The words in the story are kept really simple. Making it easier to understand, bringing you into the story.
Ryan S- This is a story I can easily relate to. The metaphors in it are subtle, yet easy to pick out.
Sarah S- Vocabulary plays an essential part to this essay, making this so much more fun to listen to.
Tori S- I like your use of memories to make this more personal.
Lindsay S- I like how you used metaphors and senses in the Disney store.
Katie R- I like how you infuse emotions and senses at the same time, especially feeling.
Aubrey A- Your imagination shines through while you described your desk.
Amy O- I like your use of imagery and of touch/sight to make the classroom feel hotter than it is
Andie R- The metaphors in this essay were really good, and bulked up the story.
Allison N- The feeling of heat and warmth was used well in your excerpt
Kristin C- Your metaphors and similes were awesome!
Logan J- The senses and simplicity of this was wonderful, I really liked it.
Ryan P- You described you basement exactly how it is, it was really good.
Matt L- Your emotional description of the trees was outstanding.
Hannah S- “The cool hands of the ocean” This visual is very powerful.
Thomas N- The minute description of the dust was truly moving, it was deep.
Corey C- The use of personification is strong in your essay, and brings nature alive within the story.
B Krump- My senses are captured by your essay, it’s a powerful tool you use/
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